urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mistresscindy WHAT?! Cindy 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mistresscindy:31919 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z I wanna get married by Nelly McKay That subject really has nothing to do with all the things on my mind tonight. I'm not sure I even know where to begin...I guess I could start with what is directly bothering me. In the last week Adam and I have established that Shawn really doesn't like me because he feels threatened by me. Like when I move down there I will take Adam away from him, which is certainly not my intention. i wish I could explain that to him. The last thing I want to do is be that kind of girlfriend. If Adam chooses to spend all his time with me, there's not much I can do about it. It's Adam's life, after all. I just happen to be a big part of it even now. We've been making some big plans. He's buying a vehicle so I'll have something to drive when I move to Lawrence and so he can see me whenever he wants. I'm also going to switch to his mom's family cell plan once my plan ends in december. I'm sure it won't be more than six months before he moves in with me. Which is why I plan on only getting a six month lease if it is so possible. That way if we want to get a bigger place together, we can. I mean we've talked about living together plenty already and we're not even officially 'together', ya know? I mean neither of us really feel that it's a good idea to make it official until I move but then again neither of us are out there in the 'field' or whatever. Today I decided that I would just label him THE label of labels and get it over with. That's what I think of him as. That's how I treat him. That's how I speak of him and I'm tired of just calling him a friend because it's plain to see on my face that there's much more going on than friendship. Obviously he doesn't feel comfortable calling me his significant other as far as I know, but I don't really give a damn. For me, it works best. So that is what I'm going to go with. I've been interested in him and him alone for almost 6 months now anyways. More and more I realize that scary deep feelings are started to grow roots inside of me. It scares me. But that's why I'm out here in Seattle getting myself organized inside. There are things that I'm working on before I can really give myself completely to him. I don't want to cheat him out of anything. I want him to have all of me. I've never felt like it was worth working on that for someone before. I've never felt like the drive to work on things no matter what with someone. I've never needed to accept everything about a person. i've never wanted to. it was always like well i guess this guy isn't what i thought he was...GOODBYE. That could never happen with Adam. I could never drop him like that. oh god, i've never wanted to give myself to someone so badly in every way possible. I want him to take care of me and I want to take care of him. It's so scary sometimes...I don't want him to be the one that hurts me....