We Can Be Flower Princesses

Soo.

2006-11-21T03:41:06Z

Who is visiting my page from the University of Texas?

:-D

I hope you don't mind

2006-11-14T23:09:36Z

Well, here I am again. Very happy.

I still think xbox 360 shouldn't be white. At least not the controllers. It's just wrong.

I barely remember the last time I actually watched the news. I think it was BBC World news, too.

I need to keep up on Spurs games. No, not the basketball team.

I need to stop starting every sentence with 'I'!

Heh. Newborn babies are precious. So are emails...especially emails from someone you love so much it makes you feel literally breathless. Getting drunk+my boyfriend+the phone=really fun times.

I am going to see him the first through fourth. I seriously could not be more excited. I can't wait to just be in his arms...to know what he smells like...to stand in a crowd and know I'm completely safe because I can feel him right next to me...to stand in a line and be able to just lean back on him and feel perfectly at home...

mistresscindy @ 2006-11-06T18:51:00

2006-11-07T00:51:55Z

I got accepted into Neurocam International. It's kind of exciting, but we'll see where this goes.

Just better not get creepy. I really don't see that happening. I think all the creepiness is a bunch of set up stuff.

Neurocam

2006-11-05T21:20:05Z

Yep...I did it. I actually applied to Neurocam. If y'all wanna know what it is, just google it. It's..interesting. We'll see what comes of it. Prolly nothing. But this is my first assignment...everyone gets it, we'll see how it goes. I was just supposed to write down everything that happend on friday between 4 and 9 pm. I also had to include five pictures and explain how they represent how i perceive my life. dunno if i really did that..but we'll see what Mr. Reading things about it. haha...i googled him and came up with nothing. I still can't believe Neurocam is still in existance...guess there are plenty of people like me that are intrigued by the whole silly thing.

4:15- assembled a lamp for the office. We'd had enough of the fluorescent lights giving us migraines and the boss had had enough of us complaining and asking him to turn them off.

4:30- Finally left work...Fridays are always much too long for their own good.

4:45- Became increasingly annoyed at the traffic and serious lack of good drivers in the state of Florida. And of course, I react in typical American fashion with a bucketful of road rage.

5:00- Made it home. Soon as I got in the door, my roommate's dog came jumping all over me, all excited. He is the cutest ever, just a little annoying after a long day of work.

5:10- Dealt with the bills, finances and stuff. Never a fun time. Ever.

5:20- Changed into very comfy clothes which consist of sweat pants and a random t-shirt.

5:30- Surfed the net a bit. You know the usual stuff everybody does now a days. Check one's email...Do the Myspace thing and all that jazz.

6:00- Decided that taking a nap would be most beneficial, as I had gotten a total of three hours the previous night, all thanks to my lovely significant other. Also spent the day being emotionally exhausted and on the verge of tears also thanks to that certain someone. It was odd for me to take a nap...felt kind of drugged.

8:30- The phone call I'd been waiting for FINALLY came. Discussed some things that needed to be discussed and pretty much resolved everything that had made me miserable all day and suddenly I had tons of energy. That took up a good fourty-five minutes and made me happier than anything. :-)

Highlight of the day: file named highlight. I watched this movie later that night and at first thought it was super strange, but found it rather sweet and realistic.

Lowpoint of the day: file named lowpoint. Waiting for my phone to ring was the worst.

Picture titled 'chalkboard' represents how much I've had to erase things I've done and start all over. I haven't felt my age in years and am always insulted when people think of me as younger...they just don't understand how much I've had to deal with things and make things better.

Picture titled 'tissues' represents how all my life I've struggled with letting people see my emotions. When people see one's emotions you become vulnerable to them and they take advantage of that. Ironically, since I've been on my own I have cried more than in my entire life. Never in public, of course, but nevertheless I have let myself become more emotional and that's slightly disturbing, but refreshing in the same instance.

Picture titled 'chucks' represents my sentimental attachment to my childhood and the good times I've had with all my friends. Good memories are very important to me...They inspire me to create more happy times in order to have even more good memories.

Picture titled 'glasses' represents how my view on life is very different from that of others'. On the other hand, it also represents that I am always striving to see life through the eyes of everyone around me.

Picture titled 'time' represents how quickly time passes. There is never enough time in the day to get everything done and get enough sleep. On the other end of the spectrum, time is trapping me here...I feel trapped in that what I really want can't be mine yet because time has to bring certain things before I can have it. Time is truly a double-edged sword.

I don't wanna miss a thing

2006-11-03T23:06:32Z

Yup...that song is currently putting me on the verge of tears. Again. I mean...all day long I keep tearing up. The only thing that kept me from actually bawling my eyes out is the fact that I was at work. Most of us were having a bad day so we all bemoaned eachother's miseries...all very different in circumstance and severity...but still hard to deal with. I feel like I have ruined the best thing that's ever happend to me. And I don't know how to fix it. I feel like everything I do is to keep myself from getting hurt and in the end all I do is hurt him and whyyyy am i doing it? It's not like I have absolutely no control over myself. The issue at the moment is because last week at church I decided that God was telling me I needed to back off physically from him because he is freaking married. I told him that it was me punishing him for the hurtful, hurtful things he had said the night before. What. A. Bunch. of. Bullshit. I don't know why I can't just be honest about it. I guess there's always that fear that he doesn't love me as much as he says and that sex is a big deal because well sex tends to be a big deal. Now I am just making it a big deal. And I am ashamed of...whatever...god stuff. I shouldn't be. It's just hard for everyone involved when I am such a sexual person and I want him sooo badly. The moment I see get him alone...all my insticts will scream one thing and one thing only. Why can't he believe that? I mean...it's so true it hurts. Because I think it would be better for us not to have sex. But I don't want to lose some of the substance that made things good between us because I said I wanted to cut him off. And this is such a mess right now. I should have just been completely honest from the beginning. Why do I always pull shit like that? All he has ever been is honest.. The least I owe him is complete honesty in return. Keeping that 'revelation' from him just made me start stop sharing my feelings with him and now...i just want to fix things. I just want to hug him so tight and never let him go. I want to be no further than an inch or two away from him for a good amount of time. He is my love...my best friend...the only person I feel truly connected to anymore...the only person that cares that isn't related to me and even then he cares more. The fact that he is married and all the complications right now...i'd rather deal with those and be with him than not be with him at all. I know how disgusting it is that i am 'the other woman'. I can't justify it in any way. All I can say is that there are moments in your life when you just KNOW that if you pass up the opportunity, you'll never get that chance again. This is it for me. If things fall apart with us ever...I will never really move on. I may date...i may flirt...but i know for a fact I will never feel this again. Now you tell me....how does one ignore this? It isn't possible. Maybe I understand some things of the world a little better now that I can be grouped in with real hard sinners. I understand now, Kellie. Too bad I don't have to guts to actually tell anyone that cares. I'd love to have my mom to turn to in times like these. I wish I had someone to rant to about it. Someone that would understand and support and just...listen. But if i ever tell my mother i am in love with a married man...i know exactly what she would say. Exactly what everyone thinks. There's always that...So you really think he will leave her for you, huh? Well I know the answer. I know I 'win'. He. Loves. Me. That is that.

Feeling inspired

2006-10-22T17:12:54Z

Seems all we do is inspire eachother. After reading a couple of good (as in very decent in literary terms) entry, all I wanna do is create my own. Plus, it has been forever since I updated.

To start off, last night I went to show being headlined by Ludacris. The only person that will appreciate that besides lover-of-mine is Tara. Who already knows that I went because I hella sent her a text telling her it was the best ever when he got on stage. This is the first show I've ever been to that's all rap/hip-hop acts. And let me tell you is fuckin' beats the local hardcore shows out of the water! Sorry guys, as much as I loved HRE shows, it was wayyy too clicky for me. The only times I had fun was when I was with Tara or Jason (before shit went down....why do boys have to fall in love with me when I so clearly am not that interested in them? Or maybe...I'm just too flirty. So Banger says and so he is correct. Needs fixin', I tell ya) and even then, with Jason it was all awkward cuz all his friends were only interested in me because he liked me and with Tara we were just actin' like fools cuz we felt slightly out of place. Even when I went to see the Plot and the Locust and all those crazy fashionxcore bands...it was really fun...less clicky...but, honestly...people take themselves wayy too seriously in that scene. Now that I've experienced a 'warmer' environment...I'm hooked. And I don't plan on going to anymore of 'my' kind of shows unless it's the Locust (cuz you know that Justin Pearson is the shit and I must watch him be a bug and do that bass thang...remember the locker pic? Madame kept telling me to put it away!). So, I all-around felt out of place but felt potential to not feel out of place and had a blast anyways...even by my lonesome.

Moving on...Tara: I went to see Marie Antoinette on Friday night...have you seen it yet? I know if we'd be around eachother we woulda gone cuz you know...gotta represent the all girl french class from junior year. God, that seems forever ago.

Somehow around the 4th I have to hang with my mama and stepdad when they come down (leavin' the 2nd), then the third go to see my baby (<3) until the fifth, then in the early morning of the 6th drive my grandpa to the airport so HE can go to San Diego. That's a lot of trips to TPA and too much to cover up. I will have to call in on that friday so I can get to him early in the day, then make up an excuse to my grandma as to why I'm not going to to church that sunday nor being there that saturday nor stay the night sunday. Gosh...I suppose I could have Melinda cover for me? Her and I will talk about it...she will be excited to have the weekend to herself, I know.

Well...I would blabber about this relationship of mine that is so wonderful and continues to flourish like hibiscus bushes and shit...but....I have to go to the bank then do lots of cleaning/laundry that I've been putting off.

<3 gimme some love, guys...I like comments. :-D

mistresscindy @ 2006-09-19T19:41:00

2006-09-19T23:42:26Z

Yup!
IF YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, I WANNA KNOW...
I want to know 20 things about you. I don't care if we've never talked, never liked each other, or if we already know everything about each other. I really don't. You are obviously on my list, so let me know with whom I am friends! JUST HIT REPLY.

1.Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Book:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Style of choice:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Favorite color(s):

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...
1. Do we know each other outside of livejournal?
2. Whats your philosophy on life?
3. Do you have any pets/favorite animals?
4. What do you generally do when you're bored and NOT on the computer?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Where do you want to be in 5-10 years?
7. Where do you think I will be in 5-10 years?
8. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you ever thought bad of me?
11. Do you have a song stuck in your head right now, or anything else on your mind?
12. Learn anything new and interesting lately?
13. What do you think the best thing we could do together would be?
14. What sort of sounds can you hear right now, music or otherwise?
15. What makes you laugh no matter how many times it happens?
16. What does your favorite outfit look like?
17. Have you been sick this year or had any injuries?
18. If were neighbors would we hang out?
19. What is a childhood memory of yours that you first thought of when you read this question?
20. How many times have you moved in your life?

Now go post this so I can fill it out for you!

This song....

2006-09-13T23:16:39Z

...is depressing me. But I'm in one of those moods where all I want is two be depressed. WTF?! I totally bought two pairs of shoes today and I'm depressed. Doesn't make much sense, really. Like, at all. I guess this interviewer from some online school (I don't even remember the name!) really got me down. I was on my way to the apt complex where I'm moving to sign some papers and he calls and he starts jabbering away and I keep thinking "this guy's pushy, but kinda cool" so I let him keep going. And going...And going. Finally, I saw Melinda go in and I'm like "Can we finish this later...i have to go sign some papers for my lease" and He's all "I don't think you're motivated at all, Cindy. I think you're a big fucking loser who isn't CUT OUT for fucking college" yeah, he didn't say that but that's pretty much how it felt. I then proceeded to tell him off fairly well, even though he was speaking over me like the true gentleman he REALLY is and then hung up. Now I have an interview/meeting with a lady from another school and I keep debating whether or not I should call and cancel it. I'm really discouraged and I feel like maybe I should wait a little longer for the college thing. I mean, I was hoping to start taking some online classes or something, but maybe I will just check out the local community college near my place and see if they've got night classes I can take. I most definitely wanna do the x-ray tech thing. But I know there are different ways, so we'll just see. And I'd like to not get myself tangled in loans, ya know? I've got enough debt to deal with at the moment. And an apartment. I mean, I know I'll get a good job outta this, but still. It's debt I don't NEED to be in. I can just take things slow and pay them off as the classes come around.

I am officially an apartment leaser!

2006-09-09T02:05:17Z

So, back to regular old news. I know I've been super bad at actually updating about things of importance that don't include boys and i'm super sorry for that! So on Rent.com there's this little thing where you post a profile saying you're looking for a roomie and all that shit and this girl sent me a message and i was all what apts are you looking at and she told me and it turns out that 2/2 between two people is waaaaay cheaper than a studio for one person. So we exchanged numbers, decided to go look at this one place and my grandma came with and we get along SO WELL. I'm so happy! And she has a really really cute doggy! Anyhoo we looked at a couple of places and we were both disappointed at what we'd seen. It was all smelly and dingy/small for outrageous prices. Then yesterday we went to look at Colonial Grand Apartments at Palma Sola and as soon as we walked into the apartment we looked at eachother and knew that it was THE PLACE and super affordable too. So we did all the paperwork, paid this lil fee and we were both kinda sweating whether or not we'd get approved (even tho she's 25 and has more to her app). Then today she called and told me that we'd been approved and that we're moving in on the 22nd! Isn't that awesome. It's great cuz my grandparents have a friend who got me a ton of furniture for free and i've been getting all this stuff and everything has just fallen into place except for a job. But it'll work itself out. Funny thing is lately I've been really bumming about how everyone I know is going off to their nice colleges and stuff and I was feeling kinda like a failure even though I know very well I could have done the same thing. I will eventually, but now is not the right time. Maybe it is for everyone else, but I am actually out in the REAL WORLD. Going to college is that, but a little different. This is a real nice break. I'm really loving it. And I'm actually starting to put on a tan. I'm going to be glowing like J. Lo this christmas! Imagine that!

Can you feel the rythm?

2006-09-06T12:02:00Z

Suddenly I have no idea how to spell rythm. I think that's totally wrong. WTF!!!!!! Haha. Well, in fourty minutes I'll be off to do my weeding for the day and get paid. I'll have made over 100 bucks this week on a couple of hours doing random gardening and cleaning. Good shite, considering I need all the extra money I can get for the apartment considering Sears has been ignoring me. I seriously give up on that company. I think I just need to find another place to work. I just really hate getting into an apartment not having a steady job yet. But it needs to be done. And I need to have a job by the end of the week because I think next week I'll be moving into my new apartment. I now live in Bradenton, Florida. I know I was all gung-ho about moving to Kansas but fate drew me elsewhere, then made me regret moving to the wrong coast, but that's okay. Mystery man of january 4th post popped up again. I suppose I should explain him. T-Bag, as I will refer to him, is my future husband. Now, now, don't go getting all freak-outish on me I AM NOT ENGAGED. I repeat I AM NOT ENGAGED. And won't be for another year or so. But I know things. And I know this about him and I. I mean why else would we not talk for 7 months then suddenly get so close again? I mean, it's closer than we were before. Before he wasn't willing to let me in for some reason. I guess there were some distractions, namely some chick named Nicole. Haha. I remember all these chicks T-Bag talked about last time and now he seems rather engrossed in his work and I think he's got a new view on womens. As he put it, 'I'm pretty picky when it comes down to my womens'. I guess I made the grade. Just barely, methinks. Lately I've been behaving rather badly. I'm not sure about me being clingy towards him, but I certainly have been. Like I told him (but he didn't want to hear it because he was having a bad day), getting ignored for 48 hours equals me thinking he's going off and fucking random girls and shit and all-around replacing me and then all my little insecurities (well, all two of the biggies) just have to come up. I can't help but be afraid I'm going to get abandoned because I'm not good enough. I've never been good enough for guys like him. I rarely end up with the good-looking, charming ones. He's insisted he adores me but obviously he doesn't feel the need to spend much time with me on the weekends when he's got his RL friends to entertain. I guess I should just understand that, I might be the same. Maybe. But guys do things differently. I just wish he had like said something to make me not so worried. Even though I guess I told him how much I trust him and so quickly. Maybe I was wrong...maybe I don't trust him as much as I thought. I don't know sometimes at all. I just wish that I could get whisked off to Sacramento and get to know him and we could do things properly. He's not much of a talker on the phone, but at least he doesn't mind my blabbering. I don't know. After my little outburts yesterday, I can almost feel the pain it will be when he withdraws. As I'm sure he will.

Unfortunate events

2006-07-25T16:44:09Z

Well, friends, after three years of keeping this strictly public, I've decided to go with the just friends option.

Some interesting events/mix-ups have occurred lately due to the fact that I can't manage who can and can't read my LJ.

Thanks for understanding!

I was not looking for no love affair

2006-07-25T06:44:29Z

So, I'm glad that I stopped having dreams about Shawn because they were getting obscenely obscene. I mean, what is with this whole having the best sex of my life with him? Stop with the subconscious thing!!!! RAWR. What would Freud say? Probably that I have this huge thing for Shawn and that I'm sexually frusterated and the fact that he's Adam's good friend and I'm having all these doubts about Adam and I as a couple that the next best(well, actually to be honest better) thing is Shawn. And since Shawn is kind of elusive and mysterious (only because we've only talked a few times) I'm unbelievably intrigued by him. Undoubtedly the same thing would happen with him, should he decide to go with my urges (and hopefully his natural male urges), eventually I would get bored with him as well. I'd like to think not, but it seems to be one of the patterns with me. The thing is, I actually met Shawn in real life before we started talking. Last night was comparable to a first date. You chat lightly, figure out what you have in common...see if you have fun with the person. I'd definitely like to "see" him again. And I think I intrigue him as much as he does me. Honestly, why else would he be paying me so much attention?

You promised me you wouldn't stay

2006-07-24T18:50:43Z

Well, in five weeks I'll be moving to Lawrence. And I've realized that I don't want to be more than friends with Adam anymore. We're too different in some very important points of view. Like religion. And he just keeps pushing it. I mean, it made me realize some other things. I like being just friends with him better. Getting caught up in emotions is complicating things and I don't like that. Plus, lately all I do is avoid him. Ever since I started talking to Shawn on the phone and texts. I think I have a crush on him. Which is absolutely ridiculous. We talked for 45 minutes last night. It's so weird cuz I totally thought he hated me. And suddenly we're buds. It is so weird.

I feel kinda sick...

2006-07-07T05:33:08Z

I ate a lot tonight. I had three servings of lasagna and a popsicle. I'm such a pig. And Dad and I watched Rumor Has It.... It was pretty good, actually. I can't wait to make Adam watch chick flicks. It's gonna be funny. In fact, after what he pulled tonight...I really, really will relish horrifying him. He totally sent me this subliminal message little movie thing from Albino Blacksheep. It scared the living hell out of me! I mean, I still have the extremely heavy, scared, i-can't-breathe feeling in my chest. Ugh! I hate that. And Shawn was over when I called to complain about how badly he scared me and then I just got more and more pissed and he's like well if you aren't going to talk then i'm going to talk to shawn. So i'm like FINE. and i hung up. And I'm still pissed. And I'm just not going to talk to him for a couple of days. HE can fecking call me. So there.

On a lighter note (maybe not for some of you, but...I'm sorry) as of August 29th of this year, I will officially be living in Kansas. I'm not even going back to Duluth to grab my crap. I'm just going. And I'll get my crap some other time. I have everything I need. Adam will give me a bed and a tv and I have the old computer that Adam will make better and he'll give me a monitor. I'll be just fine. I think it will be kind of hard at times. Like the moments where I'm sitting in my apartment all alone and I realize I haven't talked to my mom in a month or two. Part of me wants to call her, but also I want to wait for her to be ready to not be angry at me. Sometimes when I think about it, I want to cry. Like right now. If I were alone, I would. I need a great, big hug. I can get what I need emotionally from Adam. Here, it isn't the same.

mistresscindy @ 2006-06-30T23:53:00

2006-07-01T07:05:33Z

i just realized something. pretty much anytime something happens to make adam and i end i will be brokenhearted. i'm completely positive i will never directly do anything to sabotage the relationship. I'm scared. he says he'd never hurt me, but sometimes things happen. sometimes things are realized and nobody can stop them. i'm right smack dab in the uncertain stage. i've never let myself get through it. usually i freak out and don't care enough to try to get through it. this time it's not uncertainty about whether or not i want to be with someone it's about whether or not i'm ready to let myself be vulnerable. I want to so badly but I'm so scared. sometimes things just happen and there's nothing i can do about them. i know. i've seen it happen. and i've experienced it in a different types of relationships. i'm so tired but i refuse to go to bed until i can talk to adam. i need to hear him. when i'm like this all i want to do is be near him and feel him holding me. dear lord, it's like heaven. i've never wanted something more than to be with him soon. i can't wait. i have no patience.

the way we were

2006-07-01T06:06:23Z

That subject really has nothing to do with all the things on my mind tonight. I'm not sure I even know where to begin...I guess I could start with what is directly bothering me. In the last week Adam and I have established that Shawn really doesn't like me because he feels threatened by me. Like when I move down there I will take Adam away from him, which is certainly not my intention. i wish I could explain that to him. The last thing I want to do is be that kind of girlfriend. If Adam chooses to spend all his time with me, there's not much I can do about it. It's Adam's life, after all. I just happen to be a big part of it even now. We've been making some big plans. He's buying a vehicle so I'll have something to drive when I move to Lawrence and so he can see me whenever he wants. I'm also going to switch to his mom's family cell plan once my plan ends in december. I'm sure it won't be more than six months before he moves in with me. Which is why I plan on only getting a six month lease if it is so possible. That way if we want to get a bigger place together, we can. I mean we've talked about living together plenty already and we're not even officially 'together', ya know? I mean neither of us really feel that it's a good idea to make it official until I move but then again neither of us are out there in the 'field' or whatever. Today I decided that I would just label him THE label of labels and get it over with. That's what I think of him as. That's how I treat him. That's how I speak of him and I'm tired of just calling him a friend because it's plain to see on my face that there's much more going on than friendship. Obviously he doesn't feel comfortable calling me his significant other as far as I know, but I don't really give a damn. For me, it works best. So that is what I'm going to go with. I've been interested in him and him alone for almost 6 months now anyways. More and more I realize that scary deep feelings are started to grow roots inside of me. It scares me. But that's why I'm out here in Seattle getting myself organized inside. There are things that I'm working on before I can really give myself completely to him. I don't want to cheat him out of anything. I want him to have all of me. I've never felt like it was worth working on that for someone before. I've never felt like the drive to work on things no matter what with someone. I've never needed to accept everything about a person. i've never wanted to. it was always like well i guess this guy isn't what i thought he was...GOODBYE. That could never happen with Adam. I could never drop him like that. oh god, i've never wanted to give myself to someone so badly in every way possible. I want him to take care of me and I want to take care of him. It's so scary sometimes...I don't want him to be the one that hurts me....

Ugh

2006-06-08T12:54:28Z

Wow. I'm in the land of oz. hah. And I drank too much so I can't sleep. One would think it would be the other way around, but whatever. Caffeine and alcohol=baaaad. My stomach feels like shit and I just can't fall asleep. I slept for like two hours and now I'm pretty much ready. I mean, I feel pretty hungover, but whatev.

Oh pish posh

2006-06-03T05:36:22Z

So, I'm watching Playmania and it is totally sucking because Shandi is hosting and Mel isn't. Mel is the shit. Shandi IS shit. Like woah! She's got like no eyes and she's a complete idiot. I think they should have Mel or find someone else to host. Shandi should stick to looking pretty and making silly comments with Chuck on Lingo. She just sits there and looks cute. Oh and I'm damn good. This game they're playing called Alpha bucks which is like hangman/wheel of fortune minus the wheel and there were three letters guessed and six up on the board and I know what it is. I am so DAMN GOOD. It's Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I wish I were watching this with Adam. He'd be so impressed. And we're such losers.
Anyhoo, today was my last day of high school. We got to smoke cigars and stuff. It was awesome. So, big change of plans regarding next year as long as Paul doesn't mind my moving into his house in Lawrence. I really hope it isn't a big deal. I just know I'm going to get rejected. Maybe I should just wait until after I visit. The thing is I don't really want to like bring all my shite down with me for a week trip and not end up staying there. I really don't know what to do. I guess I didn't really think about the fact that the whole thing had to be approved by Paul. It's kind of nerve-wracking. I mean, if I were him I'd say no way. Sucky, but realistic. I hate the idea of staying here any longer. I'm literally suffocating here. Literally. I can't take it anymore.

And I can't take writing or thinking about that especially when I just sent an email to Shandi and hopefully they'll air it. That would be freaking awesome. Ahh! I'm nervous!!! Ahhh!

Conferencing for peace

2006-04-28T16:48:40Z

In Portland! mon ville favoris! It's exciting. I love it here, just like I did last summer. We got in last night very late and everytime I was on the ground, between planes and shite, I called Adam and talked to him. It was fun. Me and my three roommates who all speak beautiful dialects of spanish(of which I know like three phrases and can NEVER pick them up) ended up staying in an office suite on cots and stuff. I really like that room and I'm not overly excited to move to a different one where there will be more than four of us. It was a peaceful eight hours of sleep and the Hilton has great, no ridiculously SUPERB bathrooms. I had a heavenly shower this morning, bright and early and then hopped over to my favorite starbucks and got a coffee and croissant and walked around for a bit, trying to remember where I had gone last time. I got a map with the registration stuff for the conference, but I can't really figure it out. I'm not big on street names, more just the direction. I do know that where I want to go tomorrow is kind of a far walk, but I can take the light rail part ways. Anyhoo, things with Adam have been going well. Last weekend we stayed up super late talking and I got like three hours of sleep. We ended up talking about many things, one of which was in case he ever got me pregnant what we would name the kid. We agreed on a girl's name and I think he convinced me on a boys name, but it doesn't matter. Most likely it would be a girl, so Eve it would be. How cute. I also blurted out how I have this innate need to care for him and I want him with me everywhere and that I want him to move up to CT with me after I move into an apartment next January. he insists it would be bad if I didn't want him to help out and that we should support eachother, not just me support myself and him. He also insists that I'll change my mind once we meet. Well, I insist that I won't. I want him with me now, I'll want him with me in January. he just doesn't seem to get that i'm not looking for financial support from him, but emotional and mental support. And other things. Well, maybe he gets it but he doesn't believe that is all I want and need. I guess I would get frusterated after a while of working and going to school and paying all the bills and cooking and cleaning and him just sitting around, but I'm pretty sure he'd get up and do something with himself because he apparently feels the need to support me, if I support him. So, needless to say, if we move in together it won't just be a friendly roommating thing it'll be a full-blown relationship. Or thereabouts. Well, he called it. I'm not asking him to support me like he's my freaking husband, but he seems to want that. And, he wants to move in with me. That's the funny thing. He doesn't have objections about living with me, just objections about how it'll work out. I think he's scared of the fact that someone cares for him so much and he's scared that this could become something pretty serious. I guess that freaks me out a little, but I'm more looking forward to meeting him and seeing where things to from there. It might escalate to physical intimacy in July and it might not. Whether it does or not, it isn't going to change the fact that we're just friends, unless he calls it. And I seriously doubt he'll fall in enough like with me that first trip to want more than just a friendship. But one never knows. It could very well happen. Either way, meeting him will not change my feelings for him, in fact I do believe that will just reinforce them. Well, that's quite enough of that.

Remember, remember
The fifth of November!

So obviously desperate...so desperately obvious

2006-03-08T14:37:01Z

Gosh, I haven't listened to TBS in forever. I think it's time I did that soon. I'm in the mood for emocore. Haha. I've been fairly on the emotionally uncaring side lately. I'm so sick of home and everything that's going on. All because I refuse to stop talking to Adam. Now, it's at the point where she's taken away all my resources except the one at school. Which would be email.

Things have certainly taken a dramatic turn for the worse with Mother Bear and I. We don't speak and anytime we do she makes a biting remark that I just pisses me off so much. The other night, I was doing homework and she came up and told me she's taking my car from me for lying to her (I didn't actually lie, I skirted around the issue) and taking my phone away because she gave it to me and she doesn't think I should have in my possession something that I can hurt myself with. I obliged without a fight, because my soul is weary of this mess. Now, I think it has less to do with me talking to Adam and more to do with whatever shite has been bubbling between us, more because of the Aaron thing, in the last two years. She also told me that college will be coming out of my own pocket next year. I said I am fully prepared to take on that responsibility. Then I spent the night laying there realizing that I can't go to Hartford. I can't afford that. And so I made a decent plan. Which, so that I can clear up for everybody (because you all seem to think that my not going to u of hartford is me ditching college) does not include NOT going to school. There's no way I'm going to give up my mind. I couldn't live with myself doing that. My goal is to prove to my mom that I can go as far as I would have with her, but without her. Although, financially, med school just might be out of the question. And if it does come to that, I'm equally as passionate about journalism and I think that I could be quite successful doing that. I'm definitely ready to do whatever it is I have to do, if it comes down to that. In fact, it thrills me a little. I could probably use a little break for the time being, anyways. I think next fall I'll take like two classes, just to keep my mind sharp, but without paying full tuition. I'll wait until I gain my state residency, then I'll be able to pay a hell of a lot less. Like 15,000 dollars less. That's a lot.

Ohhhhh, my stomach.

2006-03-05T16:47:32Z

My stomach has never looked better than it does this morning, amazingly. Even when I'm not flexing, it looks super flat. Too bad I feel like shit. Yep, I am hungover.

Last night was Alissa's party and we had some fun times. I brought my disco records and Tap, Mot, and I, Dincy, danced the night away. It was awesome. And we were going to make a movie about it but Pat insisted on waiting until Bob got there and eventually I got tired of waiting and wanted to get home to My Appointment With Mike so I left at about 10:30. Then, I got home and brought my six pack (which had turned into a 5) into the living room and put some comfy clothes on and called Adam. Well, needless to say, it didn't take me long to get a buzz. After three I was definitely feeling it, and by my last one I couldn't feel my hands, feet, or face and I began to not feel so great. Anyhoo, this entire time Adam was talking with me and enjoying the fact that I was getting drunk a lot quicker than we had anticipated. I don't even remember much about time. All I know is that we talked for like 7 hours, unconsecutively. I also remember watching Who Wants To Be a Millionaire at 11, then two episodes of The Man Show and then Star Trek. I also remember that Adam found a Bulldog/Gopher hockey game and that I missed out, and the Gophers apparently won. I think that's what Adam said later. I was immensely jealous that I couldn't see it. And it's very odd. Kind of like if I had been able to watch the KU/K State game here and he couldn't. Odd. Anways, I remember a good amount of things. There are definite blanks and I don't remember details, especially concerning what I said. I don't remember feeling super sick. I barely remember going into the bathroom and hanging over the sink. I do remember throwing up in the sick a little and then completely blanking out and not remembering if I had thrown up or not. Then I threw up again, but in the toilet. And, of course, Adam witnessed all this, bless him. I guess I got some on the bathroom rug because the next thing I did after like washing my face was to run down to the laundry room to stick the rug in the wash. Then, I grabbed a bucket thing and went upstairs to lay in bed. I was very shaky. And I kept talking about it. And how I didn't want Adam to leave me, because I didn't want to be alone. I kept saying I wished that he were there, because I wanted someone to just be next to. Truthfully, I was a little frightened of the entire experience. I'm glad none of my other friends had to witness me being so utterly pathetic. Why the hell am I always 'exposing my belly' to Adam? We sort of talked about that when I was in bed, and I guess that's just the way everyone is with him. When I got to bed, Adam started getting pretty drunk himself but it took two hours until he was completely gone. But at first we were talking about how pitiful a state I was in and how needy I am and how I don't like to come to terms with that. And I kept thanking him for staying and apologizing for being so gross and telling him I love him. Then, we talked some more about how I wanted someone there and how it wasn't in a sexual manner at all. And then he told me that I probably did want that in a slightly sexual manner and then I'm not sure how exactly, but I think being on the subject of sex he was all telling me I need to get used to giving head and that I should practice. Like on a banana or something, and for some reason I agreed. Then we got on the subject of size and I mentioned how the last guy that I gave head to had a very large one, like the size of a banana. I think I was exaggerating. He said that would be like 14 inches, and that's quite large. And then I just had to ask him how big his is and he told me like some where around 10 inches. Or 8. I'm not completely positive, but either way, I mentioned that I was very pleased by that number. At some point around that time was when it was his turn to get drunk and I promised him I wouldn't talk about feelings or anything anymore because I didn't want it to be a disaster and he said how he didn't want to do that to me again. The best was that he talked about if I were his girlfriend for like a good 15 minutes. The thing is, he was slurring a little so I'm not sure as to what he said about that, but I did realize that whatever he said was supposed to please me so I made pleased sounds. And then he kept telling me loves me like in pairs. He'd be like "I love you, Cindy." then I'd reply and he'd be like "I love you...". Haha. Well, unfortunately, I can't think of anything else amusing that was said. I'm sure I'll think of something, because last night's festivities were very amusing. But now, I feel not so well, but I'm going to try to eat something and take a tylenol.

Oh Vodka, We Love You!

2006-03-04T14:43:05Z

So, last night I had to work until 8:30 and that was all right. Very busy and gross, but whatever. Travis told me that Whitney was having a party because her parents are out of town, so I called her for directions then went home and changed and stuff. This whole time, Adam was telling me I need to have someone run to the liquor store for me and get me some booze so we can get drunk together, cuz he thinks it'll be HILARIOUS. Anyways, so I get to Whitney's party and her and Nicole were already drunk. Nicole was adorable but kept forgetting things like 10 minutes later. Cute. Haha. Anyways, I had like three shots of vodka in the first 10 minutes and I was fine, just a little bit tipsy. Then, Travis got there about the time I needed to leave and we made the exchange. I payed twenty bucks for a six pack of mike's hard lemonade which is maybe like 8 bucks. Oh well. Shipping and handling, right? Haha. It's worth is. Now the shite is sitting in my closet and my mom informed me that they are going to the cabin today and I'm really, REALLY hoping that they mean over night. That way I can get drunk and be loud.

Anyhoo, after I left Whitney's party, I called Adam and talked about random things. Like the fact that I want him and that he should want me and "Do you want me, Adam? You know you do!" Haha. I was sillier than usual. I think he was rather amused. I insisted on telling him I love him three times. He always said it back like a nice boy. And when I got to Pat's house, Adam finally got a little dirty and it was hot as hell but I had to go inside. How disappointing. Then, they were all watching The Jerk and I got to see the end of it and it was hilarious. Then when I left I called Adam again and started going the back way so that I could talk to him longer but my phone kept going out of service. And then we started calling eachother all these things every once in a while like baby and shit. Then when I got home, the parentals weren't home yet, so I kept talking to him. And I tried to get him to say dirty stuff some more, but he wouldn't. And then I tried again before going to sleep and he's all calling me babydoll and then we just kept using these nice names in every sentence and it was funny. Then I went to bed. But, oh yeah, before that he told me he can't just be randomly dirty in a serious manner. Which might just suggest that when he did get dirty before he wasn't joking around. Hot.

Ahhhhhhhh...

2006-03-03T18:21:09Z

Well, he's read it. Hopefully, though, he won't bother having put this on favorites or anything silly like that. I'm pretty sure he won't be reading this again unless he was truly intrigued by my silly life and thoughts. So, I'm pretty much in the clear!

Anyways, yesterday I spent the better part of my day on MSN Messenger chatting with Ryan aka English Guy and Adam. It was quite fun. Then, while Ryan went to do something, I gave Adam the link to here so he could see the coolness I'd done with it. But I told him not to read it because it was pointless. Of course, he started reading. And then he said, "why did you send me the link, sweety? you know you wanted me to read this". Well, let's just say that threw me off. Big time. First, he's never EVER use a term of endearment with me (granted he was typing this, not saying it out loud) and second I wasn't expecting him to actually confront me about it. I should have known better, but oh well. Anyways, I just responded with the fact that it's better when i don't have to completely explain myself. Meaning now that he's read all that, he can better understand what has been going through my head.

It's funny because after all this complaining about how he never just relaxes when he's talking to me, now he's been making random sexual comments and I find myself acting exactly the way he did! It's just a little bit surprising. I was just finally getting over the need to make dirty comments every two seconds and suddenly he's making them back and I just don't know what to say. Like, last night, he was all "Go donald duck yourself" (donald duck means fuck in cockney, Ryan taught this to us...isn't it the coolest?) and I'm like "you go donald duck yourself" and he replied with an "oh i will later" and I was just so surprised that he actually said it, that i got slightly uncomfortable and was like "Oh my!". My great expression of uncomfort. I like it. It makes me hot. We're gettin' hot, hot, hot! Haha. Oh, I look forward to more of that. And maybe saturday I will see if I can pick up some booze....wait! that's right....i have a party to go to. Haha. I completely forgot. I'll have to call Marissa or Alissa about it. How exciting. Woooooo. Oh and tonight Ryan is going to give me a drunken call because Adam has insisted that Ryan should call me and fuck with me using his sexy British accent. Yum. It will be nice after a long night of work.

Well, I do believe it's time for me to get on my way. Shower time, then pictures of my expressions! Woo!

Cuz I'm Cold Blooded

2006-03-02T17:21:22Z

Yep that's me. Cinder Block. haha. Adam's favorite nickname for me. I guess I think it's kind of cute, ya know?

We had a mini discussion about Tyler calling me sweetheart the other day. Adam said he'd never, EVER heard Tyler call ANYONE sweetheart. EVER. haha. He wrote it off as him just being condescending and I of course refuted that because Tyler wasn't being condescending, he was treating me like an innocent. Obviously compared to him, I am innocent. Funny how that works. I would never consider myself innocent, but in some ways I suppose I really am. How damned enlightening.

And Adam Quillin is driving me mad! He's totally shooting down all my passes at him. It sucks. And I told him so. He said he doesn't want to lead me on. I tried to explain that I don't consider it leading me on emotionally (actually I didn't quite go into all this depth) and that I would thoroughly enjoy it if he'd just play along sometimes. He kind of changed the subject, but later I was about to express my dirty thoughts on something he'd just said and I was all "Nah..I'd better stop with all this" and he's all calling me a dirty girl with a dirty mind and how I want to say dirty things and I'm like if he's going to encourage me like that he'd better stop acting so funny when I do say dirty things. Gosh. So I told him so and he laughed. Seriously, nothing was hotter than hearing him call me a dirty girl and ENJOYING it. He likes it but never makes a mention that he does, damn him.

OH WELL.

Oh, Sunday I plan on going to check out Jamie's photography showing. I'm really excited. My first art thing. Maybe I'll, like, buy something.

Fresh squeezed OJ

2006-03-01T14:33:05Z

Nope, not the murderer. The beverage, of course! Yum. It reminds me of the orange juice my grandpa squeezes when we go visit. I kind of miss my grandparents. And I miss my Dad. *sigh*

Anyhoo, the other night I got a chance to talk to Adam's friend Tyler. Although he was drunk and high, we had a relatively good conversation. He's very nice. And sweet. Very sweet. And he has pretty eyes. I was able to view his mugshot online, haha. Yes, he's been to prison. From what I can calculate he was locked up for about three years on drug charges. He's been out now for almost a year, but apparently he's still on parole. Did I mention he's a really nice guy? Heh. He also called me sweetheart. And made a point of telling me he liked me. I charmed him from the first second we spoke and it gives me great pleasure to know I'm sure to be talking to him again soon. I really hope so because maybe I could convince him to clean up. I'm still not quite sure why he does what he does. It annoys me when people like that don't really fess up. But, I mean, he did admit that he just stopped caring about what people thought about what he does. I think that's taking it too far. And I'm afraid for him. Damn Adam for making me get to know Tyler and care about what happens to him. One could even say I've got a petit crush on him. Sad, sad. Really, it's just to fill the Adam-shaped hole. I'm getting over Adam, but I still have feelings for him and I think I will for a while. At least until we meet and he either starts to like me or I see that all we could ever be is friends. But I miss that feeling of "oh wow...he really does like me"...It was great for about twelve hours. It was stupid of me, though, to take him completely seriously when he's drunk. Oh well. He's also seen the picture Derek got out of me. I must admit I was slightly mortified at first. Also the fact that he still has it and looks at it is a bit disconcerting for me. More of my stupidity, though. Oh well.