| So obviously desperate...so desperately obvious |
[08 Mar 2006|08:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
Gosh, I haven't listened to TBS in forever. I think it's time I did that soon. I'm in the mood for emocore. Haha. I've been fairly on the emotionally uncaring side lately. I'm so sick of home and everything that's going on. All because I refuse to stop talking to Adam. Now, it's at the point where she's taken away all my resources except the one at school. Which would be email.
Things have certainly taken a dramatic turn for the worse with Mother Bear and I. We don't speak and anytime we do she makes a biting remark that I just pisses me off so much. The other night, I was doing homework and she came up and told me she's taking my car from me for lying to her (I didn't actually lie, I skirted around the issue) and taking my phone away because she gave it to me and she doesn't think I should have in my possession something that I can hurt myself with. I obliged without a fight, because my soul is weary of this mess. Now, I think it has less to do with me talking to Adam and more to do with whatever shite has been bubbling between us, more because of the Aaron thing, in the last two years. She also told me that college will be coming out of my own pocket next year. I said I am fully prepared to take on that responsibility. Then I spent the night laying there realizing that I can't go to Hartford. I can't afford that. And so I made a decent plan. Which, so that I can clear up for everybody (because you all seem to think that my not going to u of hartford is me ditching college) does not include NOT going to school. There's no way I'm going to give up my mind. I couldn't live with myself doing that. My goal is to prove to my mom that I can go as far as I would have with her, but without her. Although, financially, med school just might be out of the question. And if it does come to that, I'm equally as passionate about journalism and I think that I could be quite successful doing that. I'm definitely ready to do whatever it is I have to do, if it comes down to that. In fact, it thrills me a little. I could probably use a little break for the time being, anyways. I think next fall I'll take like two classes, just to keep my mind sharp, but without paying full tuition. I'll wait until I gain my state residency, then I'll be able to pay a hell of a lot less. Like 15,000 dollars less. That's a lot.
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|
| Ohhhhh, my stomach. |
[05 Mar 2006|10:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Hangovers suck. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Sweet Spot by Kevin Toney |
] |
My stomach has never looked better than it does this morning, amazingly. Even when I'm not flexing, it looks super flat. Too bad I feel like shit. Yep, I am hungover.
Last night was Alissa's party and we had some fun times. I brought my disco records and Tap, Mot, and I, Dincy, danced the night away. It was awesome. And we were going to make a movie about it but Pat insisted on waiting until Bob got there and eventually I got tired of waiting and wanted to get home to My Appointment With Mike so I left at about 10:30. Then, I got home and brought my six pack (which had turned into a 5) into the living room and put some comfy clothes on and called Adam. Well, needless to say, it didn't take me long to get a buzz. After three I was definitely feeling it, and by my last one I couldn't feel my hands, feet, or face and I began to not feel so great. Anyhoo, this entire time Adam was talking with me and enjoying the fact that I was getting drunk a lot quicker than we had anticipated. I don't even remember much about time. All I know is that we talked for like 7 hours, unconsecutively. I also remember watching Who Wants To Be a Millionaire at 11, then two episodes of The Man Show and then Star Trek. I also remember that Adam found a Bulldog/Gopher hockey game and that I missed out, and the Gophers apparently won. I think that's what Adam said later. I was immensely jealous that I couldn't see it. And it's very odd. Kind of like if I had been able to watch the KU/K State game here and he couldn't. Odd. Anways, I remember a good amount of things. There are definite blanks and I don't remember details, especially concerning what I said. I don't remember feeling super sick. I barely remember going into the bathroom and hanging over the sink. I do remember throwing up in the sick a little and then completely blanking out and not remembering if I had thrown up or not. Then I threw up again, but in the toilet. And, of course, Adam witnessed all this, bless him. I guess I got some on the bathroom rug because the next thing I did after like washing my face was to run down to the laundry room to stick the rug in the wash. Then, I grabbed a bucket thing and went upstairs to lay in bed. I was very shaky. And I kept talking about it. And how I didn't want Adam to leave me, because I didn't want to be alone. I kept saying I wished that he were there, because I wanted someone to just be next to. Truthfully, I was a little frightened of the entire experience. I'm glad none of my other friends had to witness me being so utterly pathetic. Why the hell am I always 'exposing my belly' to Adam? We sort of talked about that when I was in bed, and I guess that's just the way everyone is with him. When I got to bed, Adam started getting pretty drunk himself but it took two hours until he was completely gone. But at first we were talking about how pitiful a state I was in and how needy I am and how I don't like to come to terms with that. And I kept thanking him for staying and apologizing for being so gross and telling him I love him. Then, we talked some more about how I wanted someone there and how it wasn't in a sexual manner at all. And then he told me that I probably did want that in a slightly sexual manner and then I'm not sure how exactly, but I think being on the subject of sex he was all telling me I need to get used to giving head and that I should practice. Like on a banana or something, and for some reason I agreed. Then we got on the subject of size and I mentioned how the last guy that I gave head to had a very large one, like the size of a banana. I think I was exaggerating. He said that would be like 14 inches, and that's quite large. And then I just had to ask him how big his is and he told me like some where around 10 inches. Or 8. I'm not completely positive, but either way, I mentioned that I was very pleased by that number. At some point around that time was when it was his turn to get drunk and I promised him I wouldn't talk about feelings or anything anymore because I didn't want it to be a disaster and he said how he didn't want to do that to me again. The best was that he talked about if I were his girlfriend for like a good 15 minutes. The thing is, he was slurring a little so I'm not sure as to what he said about that, but I did realize that whatever he said was supposed to please me so I made pleased sounds. And then he kept telling me loves me like in pairs. He'd be like "I love you, Cindy." then I'd reply and he'd be like "I love you...". Haha. Well, unfortunately, I can't think of anything else amusing that was said. I'm sure I'll think of something, because last night's festivities were very amusing. But now, I feel not so well, but I'm going to try to eat something and take a tylenol.
|
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| Oh Vodka, We Love You! |
[04 Mar 2006|08:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Seductress, hell yeah! |
] |
So, last night I had to work until 8:30 and that was all right. Very busy and gross, but whatever. Travis told me that Whitney was having a party because her parents are out of town, so I called her for directions then went home and changed and stuff. This whole time, Adam was telling me I need to have someone run to the liquor store for me and get me some booze so we can get drunk together, cuz he thinks it'll be HILARIOUS. Anyways, so I get to Whitney's party and her and Nicole were already drunk. Nicole was adorable but kept forgetting things like 10 minutes later. Cute. Haha. Anyways, I had like three shots of vodka in the first 10 minutes and I was fine, just a little bit tipsy. Then, Travis got there about the time I needed to leave and we made the exchange. I payed twenty bucks for a six pack of mike's hard lemonade which is maybe like 8 bucks. Oh well. Shipping and handling, right? Haha. It's worth is. Now the shite is sitting in my closet and my mom informed me that they are going to the cabin today and I'm really, REALLY hoping that they mean over night. That way I can get drunk and be loud.
Anyhoo, after I left Whitney's party, I called Adam and talked about random things. Like the fact that I want him and that he should want me and "Do you want me, Adam? You know you do!" Haha. I was sillier than usual. I think he was rather amused. I insisted on telling him I love him three times. He always said it back like a nice boy. And when I got to Pat's house, Adam finally got a little dirty and it was hot as hell but I had to go inside. How disappointing. Then, they were all watching The Jerk and I got to see the end of it and it was hilarious. Then when I left I called Adam again and started going the back way so that I could talk to him longer but my phone kept going out of service. And then we started calling eachother all these things every once in a while like baby and shit. Then when I got home, the parentals weren't home yet, so I kept talking to him. And I tried to get him to say dirty stuff some more, but he wouldn't. And then I tried again before going to sleep and he's all calling me babydoll and then we just kept using these nice names in every sentence and it was funny. Then I went to bed. But, oh yeah, before that he told me he can't just be randomly dirty in a serious manner. Which might just suggest that when he did get dirty before he wasn't joking around. Hot.
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| Ahhhhhhhh... |
[03 Mar 2006|12:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
I hurt all over. |
] |
Well, he's read it. Hopefully, though, he won't bother having put this on favorites or anything silly like that. I'm pretty sure he won't be reading this again unless he was truly intrigued by my silly life and thoughts. So, I'm pretty much in the clear!
Anyways, yesterday I spent the better part of my day on MSN Messenger chatting with Ryan aka English Guy and Adam. It was quite fun. Then, while Ryan went to do something, I gave Adam the link to here so he could see the coolness I'd done with it. But I told him not to read it because it was pointless. Of course, he started reading. And then he said, "why did you send me the link, sweety? you know you wanted me to read this". Well, let's just say that threw me off. Big time. First, he's never EVER use a term of endearment with me (granted he was typing this, not saying it out loud) and second I wasn't expecting him to actually confront me about it. I should have known better, but oh well. Anyways, I just responded with the fact that it's better when i don't have to completely explain myself. Meaning now that he's read all that, he can better understand what has been going through my head.
It's funny because after all this complaining about how he never just relaxes when he's talking to me, now he's been making random sexual comments and I find myself acting exactly the way he did! It's just a little bit surprising. I was just finally getting over the need to make dirty comments every two seconds and suddenly he's making them back and I just don't know what to say. Like, last night, he was all "Go donald duck yourself" (donald duck means fuck in cockney, Ryan taught this to us...isn't it the coolest?) and I'm like "you go donald duck yourself" and he replied with an "oh i will later" and I was just so surprised that he actually said it, that i got slightly uncomfortable and was like "Oh my!". My great expression of uncomfort. I like it. It makes me hot. We're gettin' hot, hot, hot! Haha. Oh, I look forward to more of that. And maybe saturday I will see if I can pick up some booze....wait! that's right....i have a party to go to. Haha. I completely forgot. I'll have to call Marissa or Alissa about it. How exciting. Woooooo. Oh and tonight Ryan is going to give me a drunken call because Adam has insisted that Ryan should call me and fuck with me using his sexy British accent. Yum. It will be nice after a long night of work.
Well, I do believe it's time for me to get on my way. Shower time, then pictures of my expressions! Woo!
|
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| Cuz I'm Cold Blooded |
[02 Mar 2006|10:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Whatever! |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Undone-The Sweater Song by Weezer |
] |
Yep that's me. Cinder Block. haha. Adam's favorite nickname for me. I guess I think it's kind of cute, ya know?
We had a mini discussion about Tyler calling me sweetheart the other day. Adam said he'd never, EVER heard Tyler call ANYONE sweetheart. EVER. haha. He wrote it off as him just being condescending and I of course refuted that because Tyler wasn't being condescending, he was treating me like an innocent. Obviously compared to him, I am innocent. Funny how that works. I would never consider myself innocent, but in some ways I suppose I really am. How damned enlightening.
And Adam Quillin is driving me mad! He's totally shooting down all my passes at him. It sucks. And I told him so. He said he doesn't want to lead me on. I tried to explain that I don't consider it leading me on emotionally (actually I didn't quite go into all this depth) and that I would thoroughly enjoy it if he'd just play along sometimes. He kind of changed the subject, but later I was about to express my dirty thoughts on something he'd just said and I was all "Nah..I'd better stop with all this" and he's all calling me a dirty girl with a dirty mind and how I want to say dirty things and I'm like if he's going to encourage me like that he'd better stop acting so funny when I do say dirty things. Gosh. So I told him so and he laughed. Seriously, nothing was hotter than hearing him call me a dirty girl and ENJOYING it. He likes it but never makes a mention that he does, damn him.
OH WELL.
Oh, Sunday I plan on going to check out Jamie's photography showing. I'm really excited. My first art thing. Maybe I'll, like, buy something.
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|
| Fresh squeezed OJ |
[01 Mar 2006|08:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
Nope, not the murderer. The beverage, of course! Yum. It reminds me of the orange juice my grandpa squeezes when we go visit. I kind of miss my grandparents. And I miss my Dad. *sigh*
Anyhoo, the other night I got a chance to talk to Adam's friend Tyler. Although he was drunk and high, we had a relatively good conversation. He's very nice. And sweet. Very sweet. And he has pretty eyes. I was able to view his mugshot online, haha. Yes, he's been to prison. From what I can calculate he was locked up for about three years on drug charges. He's been out now for almost a year, but apparently he's still on parole. Did I mention he's a really nice guy? Heh. He also called me sweetheart. And made a point of telling me he liked me. I charmed him from the first second we spoke and it gives me great pleasure to know I'm sure to be talking to him again soon. I really hope so because maybe I could convince him to clean up. I'm still not quite sure why he does what he does. It annoys me when people like that don't really fess up. But, I mean, he did admit that he just stopped caring about what people thought about what he does. I think that's taking it too far. And I'm afraid for him. Damn Adam for making me get to know Tyler and care about what happens to him. One could even say I've got a petit crush on him. Sad, sad. Really, it's just to fill the Adam-shaped hole. I'm getting over Adam, but I still have feelings for him and I think I will for a while. At least until we meet and he either starts to like me or I see that all we could ever be is friends. But I miss that feeling of "oh wow...he really does like me"...It was great for about twelve hours. It was stupid of me, though, to take him completely seriously when he's drunk. Oh well. He's also seen the picture Derek got out of me. I must admit I was slightly mortified at first. Also the fact that he still has it and looks at it is a bit disconcerting for me. More of my stupidity, though. Oh well.
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| Gentle Longing |
[22 Feb 2006|01:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
5 1/2 Minute Hallway by Poe |
] |
We're weighed down by passion and intensity...
I've rediscovered Fiona Apple. I've always had a thing for that Criminal song, but never really payed mucha attention to the rest of her stuff. Now, I'm listening to the rest of the that album, Tidal, and I love it. It fits my mood so much. Oh and Poe. Poe isn't exactly fitting my mood, but Aggie and I had some good times listening to her.
And it's a sad, sad world...when a girl will break a boy just because she can...
Lyrics to my love life. Really. And every time I meet a man that will put me in my place and shite, he's damn elusive. Actually, I don't think Adam means to be. I think he's just being really realistic, which I can respect. It just sucks that I had to have a conversation about feelings with him when he was drunk. Now that was just down right stupid. Oh well...story of my life! At least he isn't like bothered by the fact I like him. He says there's definite potential. That he could like me, but we need to meet first. And he thinks it's strange that I'm so much younger than he is. I did explain that most of my boyfriends in the last couple of years have been over twenty, but I don't know how much that makes him feel better about it. I guess there's inner confusion because April and I are the same age but he's connected with us in very different ways and at very different levels of intensity. We've gotten really close very quickly. It's definitely weird, you know? I'm still bouncing back between being hurt and getting over the fact that one night he really likes me and the next it isn't what he meant. All of me is very hopeful that he will be my next lover of sorts. In fact, I'm almost positive. It WILL happen if I go visit him this summer. And I'm determined that I will. I need his kind of man in my life. How unexpected.
How. Damn. Unexpected.
I'm falling!
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| Blank sucks, bitches. |
[17 Feb 2006|04:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Ya know... Capital A... |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Frozen-Madonna |
] |
Being 18 is nice. Yes, just nice. I have not taken advantage of anything yet. I don't have the time nor the will. I feel like meeting Adam has marked my destruction of the iron curtain. As soon as I graduate everything will be all on me. I'll have to find a decent job so that I can save up for an apartment and get rid of this stupid debt.
I just got out of the bathtub. I needed it after being completely drained of everything when I saw that Aaron left me a message. Then I sat in my car waiting for the Three and for Alero's engine to warm up a bit and I stupidly called him back. But when the boys got in I told him I would just call him later. As I was sitting the tub I realized that I don't want to speak to him. All of my feelings and everything have completely left me. I can now treat him with the utter meanness he deserves after what he has put me through. I'm angry at him for forcing his way into my life and changing things so much for me. And now, he's gone. And I'm going to make sure we never speak again. Why does that make me feel so empty? I don't feel sad about it, I don't feel happy about it...I just feel strangely apathetic. I'm apathetic with a capital 'A'.
And last night I talked to Adam again for the first time in like a week. It was nice. He makes my day. When i go see him in the summertime, I fear I won't want to leave. We're so different inside, but we just get along so well. Something just clicks. It's funny because last night, when Sean (Shaun, Shawn???????) showed up with food I heard him say "is that her?" and Adam sort of paused and then said yes. I sort of tried to figure out what that was all about but then S cracked a joke and so did Adam and I gave up and just told him to have fun now and we "parted ways". It just sounded suspicious because I am now separated from other girls in Adam's life. After all, 'her' could have been April or some of his RL friends, like Tara or Amber or someone. But SOMEHOW, S walks in and knows that Adam is talking to me. Maybe I'm reading too much into it? Most likely.
It was a long and shitty week. Besides the birthday part.
I'm apathetic with a capital 'A'...
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| Four days |
[10 Feb 2006|08:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
Until I turn 18! How exciting, right? Right now, I'm just slightly nervous. Not to mention stressed out from all the drama that's going on right now.
First, let me mention that Adam is the shit. I could fall in like with him wayyyy badly. I'm most certainly attracted to him. And I'm pretty positive he's somewhat attracted to me. At least, though, he makes a point to point out that we've never met and therefore feelings can't really grow over wires. He didn't say feelings but it was all in context, I swear. At this point, we've been spending a lot of time on the phone together. And I mean A LOT of time. Like, a minimum of an hour each day this week except monday. And last night, we talked from about 8 pm to 1:30 am. It would have probably been longer if mom hadn't come up and busted me, then taken my phone away. She was hella pissed at me. She took my phone away. I think she put it in her purse cuz I can't find it. I was really tempted to try calling it and see if it's in the house, but I decided I may as well not provoke her. At this point, I need to be a little careful. I also need to keep the topic of Adam from entering our conversation. Otherwise I'm going to have to describe someone else. Because I really want to go to Lawrence during break. I need an adventure. I need one that isn't one hundred percent safe. I would like to go down there, get a hotel, hang out with Adam and stuff, drink a little, explore the town, then go back up to dreary duluth. It's funny because he insists there's no point in my getting a hotel room. True, it would be a lot cheaper but I don't want to have to lie about it. Especially now. And, honestly, it would be fine to stay with Adam. Marissa and I could sleep in the spare room. I know my ideas of what will happen between us do not include me staying in the spare room, though. But I mean, if it's gonna happen it's gonna happen.
Uuuuugggghhhhh! Stress! Now I have all day to look forward to when my mom gets home to lecture me...
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| If I could melt your heart... |
[04 Feb 2006|07:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Oh you know... |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Stone Flower by Laurindo Almeida |
] |
YOU. ARE. KING.
...
I think I consider myself a pretty frusterated person when it comes down to the world. I'm pretty much sick to see so many people take for granted what we have in this country. I loathe people who think that every little thing comes to them on a silver platter; that the world revolves around them. It simply disgusts me to a greater degree than any of you can possibly imagine. And for that I am labeled an angry, angry person. I have anger issues. I wish I could be listless and not care. But I do care. I wish I could save every innocent life on this worthless earth. Yes, I'm an idealist.
Communists were idealists once. I suppose this is why I've also been called a hardcore, old-school Communist. Because Communism is the idea of Utopia. All being equal in every damn sense of the word. No man has the right to rule over another. No man has the right to more money than the other. Everything we make towards the commmon good of all we commune with. A commune is a community of people where everybody shares everything...Kind of like a family, except a larger group of people more or less unrelated. I believe if our infamous predecessors, Adam and Eve, hadn't chosen the path they did, 'Communism' would exist without being Communism. Unfortunately, humans are disgustingly greedy creatures. Humanity has destroyed this idealism. I just don't care how much people want to argue that China is doing quite well. No, Communism does not exist in the PURE sense of the word any longer in China. There is some bastard hording the riches. Some pig demanding that only one child be born to each family.
Bossa Nova. What a joy. I think all our activities, everything we do, should be accompanied by Bossa Nova. Our lives are the very essence of this great genre of jazz.
"When she walks, just like a samba...that sways so cool and sways so gently...that when she passes go Ahh..."
Halo has now brought be boys that I become infatuated with. Number One, Derek, has disappointed me. I made a mistake, though, I gave in to him. I'm slightly bitter about it and wish to cause him frusteration. With glee, actually. Number Two, Adam, is Derek's ummm...shall we say...oooh...what is the word??? Hmm...Oh! Adam is Derek's idol. Derek talks JUST LIKE Adam. I recently came to the realization that every little thing that I had come to adore in Derek was just Adam. How odd. But at least Adam is straightforward. Being 6 years older, it makes sense. Adam is straightforward about messing with me. What he isn't straightforward about is the fact that he really enjoys my company and loves to make me laugh. And giggle. And giggle some more.
I want to marry a man who will dance to Bossa Nova with me in our living room.
I want to marry a man who will serenade me with silly songs.
I want to marry a man who will make me angrier than hell.
I want to marry a man who will not encourage my need to rescue the world's innocents, but support it because I am his wife and he loves me.
I want to marry a man who will not keep deep, dark secrets from me.
I want to marry a man who doesn't have to guess what I want from him, he either knows or asks.
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| Cleopatra had her way... |
[04 Jan 2006|05:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
I have a crush! |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Frozen by Madonna |
] |
Life is a paradox and it doesn't make much sense. Can't have a femme without the fatale, please don't take offense.
Songs are great. They soothe my soul when nothing else will. A lot of random things have been making me upset lately. I think it's in reaction to all these people dying. Well, only two people that I knew have died in the last few weeks. One of them was like a grandmother to me and it finally hit me the other day that she had actually died and I couldn't stop crying. A horrible, empty feeling fills you when you realize that you really aren't ever going to see that person again on earth. And another of my brother's friend's dad died. It happend last year and it's happend again. Another freak accident. This one died from getting hit in the neck by a puck and his artery burst. At least he died instantly and didn't suffer.
In the last week or so I have met someone that I found I have a lot of chemistry with. The thing is, as usual, we've never really met. It would be nice if that happens soon and I have an idea of when it will. I have a good feeling about this one. Especially since he isn't taking my crap.
Oh and Joe makes me angry. Like usual. According to certain books I very much enjoy studying, he's interested and attracted to me but he doesn't want to get involved. I would just love it if he'd do something (anything!) about that attraction. I need some physical contact and soon.
I feel bad because I kind of blew up at the friends after school without meaning to and not about what they were talking about. I don't think I convinced Marissa that I really wasn't pissed at her or anything. I just was upset about the Joe thing. And I don't think I'm going to end up going to Sweetheart after all. Especially after something Tara told me. I may as well sit at home and have fun on the computer.
Bonne Appétit!
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|
| Wow. |
[24 Dec 2005|03:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
I think I'm seriously getting more confuzzled and sad by the minute.
I just noticed that I am no longer able to view Tra's posts....
A close cousin of my grandmother's died yesterday morning. I never even got to say goodbye...
My Auntie Gerda has gotten super frail and I swear she's about to keel over and die...
And now I have to put a smile on my face and be sociable.
I. Just. Want. A. Hug.
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| Do you believe in love at first sight? |
[20 Dec 2005|04:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Brrrr. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hung Up- Madonna |
] |
Not really. It's just lyrics from a song I'm listening to right now. So, I don't understand why I don't feel like it's Christmas. Maybe it's because everything is going to crap. Why do I keep losing best friends? What do I do? Je suis trop franche, je pense. C'est terrible. Je ne peut pas arreter sa. Why do I feel like I have no control over myself sometimes? Maybe I willingly lose control of the things I say because I'm afraid I'll regret not saying them. I spent a good portion of my early years always regretting not saying anything. And now I say whatever I need to say and I regret that. Why aren't I happy then? Why I can't I stop expecting too much from him? All I do is want and take from him and expect him to give more and more. Yet do I really give much back? I mean, look at all the things I've done to hurt him and we aren't ever "together". I wish so much that I could move on. I'd love to be able to envision myself as a normal 26 year old, about to get married and taking off in some great journalistic career in some explosive City. I don't see myself ever being that, though. I'll never be a domesticated woman. Even though I let him "rule over me", it's in such an effed up way. I mean, why can't I just be normal? Why can't I have a million superficial friends? And a stupid superficial boyfriend that does everything I want. Why can't I be happy with a superficial reality? Why do I have to think every single thing is never what it seems? I am so suspicious of everything and very unfairly suspicious of all his activities. And it is just so wrong. I am so negative. Why? It isn't like I've had the worst childhood ever. I'm not even sure I'm ready for childhood to end. There is so much that I didn't savor. I just wish I could go back. Back before the Divorce. I wish I could erase that sentence of how much I wished I weren't in such a perfect world. I wish I hadn't complained so much. I wish I would just learn from that. The problem is, I just keep being dissatisfied. I can't believe he is still around. Will he be around after I say no to him? The answer is yes... Will I ever believe it? Will I say yes and give up my soul just because I refuse to believe that I wouldn't lose him if I did say no? If I give myself up to him, it won't stop there. I would give everything I have, everything I am, everything I could be for him. I would give it all to him. Am I just obsessed? And why? Is this what I really want? I don't know. I do know that my feelings are real as we stand in this moment. What I don't really know is if I will be in love with the man that stands in front of me. What if they are two different people? I wish T-Belle would stop leaving me right now. I feel so powerless. I feel like I will be told a thousand times that I am over-exaggerating. I'm not! I promise! And you're making me hate your's. I will never think the same of your's again. It's shocking to realize that I am completely blind, or easily tricked. It hurts so much...
It. Hurts. So. Much.
We both feel it...We all feel it. And I'm sorry that I had to try so hard to make her laugh today at the price that I might not make you laugh again.
It. Hurts. So. Much.
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| The Gathering of an Angel |
[18 Dec 2005|12:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
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bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Fight For Your Right- Beastie Boys |
] |
It says that on my cup of coffee from this morning. Which is now icy cold. I can't stop listening to this one song. It's called "An Honest Mistake" and it's by The Bravery. Love it. I saw it on an episode of CSI: New York a couple of weeks ago in study hall. It was such a hot part.
Maybe it just makes me hot.
It kind of reminds me of HRE, except with like more SINGING. Sexy singing. Not that you're not sexy, Dave!!!
Oh confusion. Sweet sweet ________ and confusion.
Guess!
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| Funny. |
[13 Dec 2005|07:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
dejected |
] |
| [ |
music |
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CNN |
] |
This was way silly, considering I have like NO LJ friends.
Click here.
Take the quiz.
Post your results.
( See mistresscindy's results. )
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| Ugh |
[09 Dec 2005|08:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bouncy |
] |
I am tired. But excited. Every day is an exciting day, lately. All thanks to the boy. And other stuff, though. Like tonight Nina, Tara, Marissa and I are going to see Memoirs of a Geisha. I am so so SO excited, especially since I read the book last spring. It was so good. I hope the film lives up to it. And I am going to wear Nina's korean basket dance hat thingy. We will have some good laughs.
Well, best check out the times now.
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| Remember, Remember, Never Forget... |
[05 Dec 2005|07:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Sick! |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
I Love New York- Madonna |
] |
Im-ninalo (if they were locked)
Daltey Nadivim (doors of the generous)
Daltey Nadivim
Daltey Marom (doors of heaven)
Im-ninalo x8
Staring up into the heavens
In this hell that binds your hands
Will you sacrifice your comfort?
Make your way in a foreign land?
Wrestle with your darkness
Angels call your name
Can you hear what they are saying?
Will you ever be the same?
Mmmmmm
Im-ninalo Im-ninalo
Mmmmmm
Im-ninalo Im-ninalo
Remember remember never forget
All of your life has all been a test
You will find the gate that's open
Even though your spirit's broken
Open up my heart
And cause my lips to speak
Bring the heaven and the stars
Down to earth for me
Im-ninalo
Daltey Nadivim
Mmmmmm
Im-ninalo Im-ninalo
Mmmmmm
Im-ninalo Im-ninalo
Mmmmmm
Im-ninalo Im-ninalo
Mmmmmm
Im-ninalo Im-ninalo
El- Hay (god -alive)
El- Hay
El- Hay Marumam Al Keruvim (god- alive to elevate cherub)
Kulam Be-Ruho Ya'alu (everybody in he's spirit will rise)
Wrestle with your darkness
Angels call your name
Can you hear what they are saying?
Will you ever be the same?
Mmmmmm
Im-ninalo Im-ninalo
Mmmmmm
Im-ninalo Im-ninalo
Mmmmmm
Im-ninalo Im-ninalo
Mmmmmm
Im-ninalo Im-ninalo
El- Hay (god -alive)
El- Hay Marumam Al Keruvim (god- alive to elevate cherub)
Kulam Be-Ruho Ya'alu (everybody in he's spirit will rise)
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| Frosted Night: Free Hot Chocolate and Drama; Study Hall: Television and Teasing |
[03 Dec 2005|06:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 I'm waiting for EQ |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Get Together-Madonna |
] |
To the Boy who is my BOY...
Just one kiss on my lips
Was all it took to seal the future
Just one look from your eyes
Was like a certain kind of torture
Once upon a time
There was a boy and there was a girl
Just one touch from your hands
Was all it took to make me falter
Forbidden love, are we supposed to be together
Forbidden love, forbidden love
Forbidden love, we save our destiny forever
Forbidden love, forbidden love
Just one smile on your face
Was all it took to change my fortune
Just one word from your mouth
Was all I needed to be certain
Once upon a time
There was a boy and there was a girl
Hearts that intertwine
They lived in a different kind of world
Forbidden love, are we supposed to be together
Forbidden love, forbidden love
Forbidden love, we save our destiny forever
Forbidden love, forbidden love
Just one kiss, just one touch, just one look
Forbidden love, are we supposed to be together
Forbidden love, forbidden love
Forbidden love, we save our destiny forever
Forbidden love, forbidden love
Forbidden love, are we supposed to be together?
Forbidden love, forbidden love
Forbidden love, we save our destiny forever
Forbidden love, forbidden love
Just one kiss, just one touch, just one look, just one love
and...
It's an illusion
There's too much confusion
It's an illusion
There's too much confusion
Down, down, down in your heart
Find, find, find the secret
Turn, turn, turn, turn your head around
Baby we can do it
We can do it alright
Do you believe in love at first sight?
It´s an illusion, I don´t care
Do you believe I can make you feel better
Too much confusion, come on over here
can we get together?
I really, I really wanna be with you
come on, check it out with me
I hope you, I hope you feel the same way too
I´ve searched
I´ve searched
I´ve searched my whole life
to find, to find, to find the secret
and all I did was open up my eyes
baby we can do it
we can do it alright
do you believe that we can change the future?
do you believe I can make you feel better?
can we get together?
I really, I really wanna be with you
come on, check it out with me
I hope you, I hope you feel the same way too
It's an illusion
There´s too much confusion
I´ll make you feel better
If it´s better at the start
then it´s sweeter in the end
Do you believe in love at first sight?
It´s an illusion, I don´t care
Do you believe I can make you feel better
Too much confusion, come on over here
can we get together?
I really, I really wanna be with you
come on check it out with me
I hope you, I hope you feel the same way too
It´s an illusion
There's too much confusion
I´ll make you feel better
If it´s better at the start
Then it´s sweeter in end
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| Uncertainty has it's way of clawing into everyone's minds |
[08 Oct 2005|12:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ben Folds |
] |
Yup. I'm feeling fairly uncertain. In fact, I have all day. Once again, I feel like I'm waking up from a dream. That same dream that involves a great guy, moving too fast, and my freaking out and wanting to disappear. It sucks that it's always this way. This time it's to a lesser degree, but freaks me out nonetheless. Why can't I freak out BEFORE I'm in danger of hurting someone?
Honestly, it all moved wayyyyy faster than I had anticipated.
I also keep realizing more and more how selfish I am. I've barely spent time with him and I already feel like I have little freedom to do what I want. I'm fearful of committment of any kind. I don't really know why I am, but I wish I would stop listening to my lonely side.
I guess I would just like to step back a bit. I got caught up in the excitement of things and everything happend too quickly.
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| Butterflies |
[05 Oct 2005|09:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Work It- Missy Elliot |
] |
And things. You know. I straight up told Aaron-old-one to not call because I don't ever want to hear from him again. Now, we'll see if he actually took me seriously for once. Doubt it! I hope he doesn't call. I don't know what I'll say, because I don't know if I can keep myself from picking up the phone. It's awful. My parents were right. I did let him influence me too much. In some ways, I've learned a lot. In others, I'm just a little bit hardened towards guys. I never thought I would let myself be so vulnerable with somebody that I don't REALLY know.
Enough. I refuse to speak of him anymore. It's all in the past.
The future is exciting.
I'm listening to the worst music.
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